ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
