Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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