you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
last night I used snow as a chaser
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