Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
