____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
4 words: hood of his car
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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