she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
