1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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