dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
