I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
