Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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