I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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