it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
