When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
