I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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