I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
