Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
that is very illegal...i love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
