I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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