I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
