the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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