I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
