new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
