Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
