he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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