just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
