I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
