Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
