I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
