Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
