I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
