I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
