they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
