R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
