Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
