i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
