that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
