Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
