$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
