Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
