John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
