She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
