My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
