You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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