did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
