Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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