I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
