I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
