I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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