and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
