i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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