you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He passed out mid-signature
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i came on her dog
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
